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Kingdom of Heaven (2005, Ridley Scott, USA)

25 out of 100 what the numbers mean

Once more, we are stuck watching an atypical sword & sandel epic, full of overblown egos, testosteronic posing, quippy trailer-friendly awe-inspiring taglines and a hell of a lot of close-ups of Orlando Bloom scowling in the most awfully drab kind of way that might even make Keanu Reeves seem overly-emotional.   Stunning setpieces and elaborate costuming just can't make-up for such an utter lack of emotional heft. Pretty boy Bloom plays Balian, a French blacksmith who has been shunned by his community after his wife has committed the mortal sin of suicide.   After meeting up with his bastard-rearing father, also played without the slightest hint of emotion by the normally robust Liam Neeson, who just so happens to be a nobleman and a crusader on a holy quest, Balian manages to (seemingly) overnight become the most ferocious fighter and princely diplomat the world has ever seen - not to mention possibly an immortal demi-god after being the sole survivor of a massive shipwreck. While technically sound, we've seen it all before.   Modestly well-crafted, Scott's latest opus falls flatter than Troy on a Sunday afternoon.   Aren't audiences ever going to tire of the same pictures being made again and again and again?   The digitally-born hoardes of spear-tossing killer armies.   The flaming arrow barrage of the nation's stronghold.   The proud and determined hero.   The love-starved heroine.   The nasty, beady-eyed villian, who in this case is P.C.'d into being one of the white Christian colonizers, instead of the political powder-kegged possibility of making Salidan, the Muslim leader, the big baddie in the film - a character who ends up being the most intellegent and most compassionate being in the film.   It's all here, as it was in all those other films (including Scotts' own inexplicable 2000 Oscar winner Gladiator). In fact, it was Gladiator that brought the long lost genre back into vogue, being such a hit and winner of the gold.   Not that Gladiator was a great film - far from it in fact - but it was a financial success and at least somewhat of a critical hit - at least with the Roger Eberts of the critical world.   Ever since then though, it just hasn't worked - with flop after flop after flop.   Let's leave the CGI'd armies to Peter Jackson and move on with our storytelling. As for Orlando Bloom (he was fun as an arrow-shooting elf, but lacks the heft here to pull off a role that desperately needed Russell Crowe to step in) - he is one of the dullest actors out there (although I suppose when he takes his shirt off and shows us his newly buffed pecs, a lot of people aren't taking much notice to his lack of personality) and proves his drabness once again, by being engulfed in one of the least spark-filled romances in modern movie history.   Eva Green, who was so sexually charged in Bertolucci's The Dreamers, is trapped here in the lowest-flamed eroticism imaginable.   Bloom ends up giving the least believable performance in a film since last year's unbelievably un-nuanced version of Howard Hughes given pseudo-life by the very forgettable (and highly overrated) Leo DiCaprio.   Even the usually dynamic Jeromy Irons and Brendan Gleeson seem at a loss for something entertaining to do.   Only Edward Norton, as the King of Jerusalem, shows any signs of excitement and/or job satisfaction - and he's hidden behind an unmoving mask throughout his entire screen appearance. Just sad and unprovoked, Kingdom of Heaven proves that the fates of Troy, Alexander and King Arthur were not just drops in the bucket of emptiness, but rather a downpouring of drab formulaic epic-posturing panderment to the lowest common denominator. - May 7, 2005

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