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THE TOP 5 WORST FILMS (aka the bottom 5):
view full results see how points are awarded
| Rank |
Film |
Points |
L |
#1 |
| #1 |
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (1999, George Lucas, USA) |
6 |
2 |
1 |
| #2 |
Dances With Wolves (1990, Kevin Costner, USA)
A.I. (Steven Spielberg, USA)
Forrest Gump (1994, Robert Zemeckis, USA)
Ghost (1990, Jerry Zucker, USA)
2 Days in the Valley (1996, John Herzfeld, USA)
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5
5
5
5
5
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2
1
1
1
1
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-
1
1
1
1
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L=How many lists each film appears on
#1=How many number one votes each film recieves
Not much of a consensus this week, but that was to be expected. Also, not really that much to say this week. The new Star Wars films are terrrible and there isn't much else coming out of Hollywood these days either. So sit back and relax, for we have cleansed our palates of the drek of cinema and the Top 10 Project is soon amongst us and we can all decide what the greatest films of all-time are. Meanwhile, The Top 5 Project will be on hiatus for two weeks.
For more info on this week's subject go HERE.
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Individual lists:
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Albert H. Muth
Auteurophile
A.I. (Spielberg) -- It was planned out by Kubrick, all Steven had to do was follow the blueprint. But no, he had to drag this mess out into at least five endings until every one could feel all warm and fuzzy. Absolutely dreadful, poor Stanley is still spinning in his grave.
Gangs of New York (Scorsese) -- Completely hysterical from start to finish, this film was the biggest overblown piece of crap by any major director since number one above. DDL is completely off the wall, Leo required a body double for the sex scenes, and Diaz should have left her character in the gutter where they found her. It is all summed up aptly by U2's amthemnic piece of tripe over the end credits. I certainly did not find what I was looking for.
The Godfather III (Coppola) -- Al Pacino should still be apologising for this desecration of the two previous classics in this series. Utter contempt can only explain how FFC could have put his daughter through such torture. Fortunately, young Sofia has survived, with years of analysis, and has become a gifted, perceptive young director, surpassing anything her father has done in the last twenty years.
All Kevin Costner epics: Dances With Wolves, Waterworld, The Postman -- Any further discussion will only induce nausea in the reader and me.
Rocky 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11, and on and on and on -- As long as Sly breathes, this will never end. Any suggestions anyone?
MOST POTENTIAL WASTED AWARD:
The Hours (Stephen Daldry) -- A great cast headed by the Divine Meryl, based on the wonderful novel by Michael Cunningham, it could have been stunning. But all the wonder and magic were lost in a ponderous, lumbering screenplay that made everything painfully explicit that should have been artfully implicit. A major disappointment.
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J.E. Snavely
Home Theatrical Cinephile
Some films are so bad that they're fun to watch and lampoon (ala Mystery Science Theatre) but others are the dregs, the bottom of the barrel, movies that are so bad that we cringe and feel embarrassed to be alive, to admit that another of our species actually "created" such rectal-spewing abominations. The films listed below were a waste of my time and money. My life would be better indeed if I had never seen these films or had spent the time getting my wisdom teeth ripped out. Again. Without anesthesia.
(tie) THE PHANTOM MENACE/ATTACK OF THE CLONES/REVENGE OF THE SITH (Lucus the Hut) -- I will try to be polite in my narrative....no, fuck that. These movies sucked so badly that I can barely contain myself as I type this. The story, editing, cinematography, acting, dialogue, everything about these movies is fucking awful. I saw TPM at the Allen Theatre and wanted to kill every person that was responsible for this absolute evil pile of maggot-ridden shit after a half-hour. And the trilogy went downhill from there. From Jar-Jar to baby Bobba Fett to the slow-motion Darth Vader NOOOOOOO! climax proves that our society, no, the whole god-fucking world is doomed to Hell. These movies are bad. No excuses. I enjoy Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back though I still want to stab Ewoks with rusty knives. The reason I viewed all three films (OK, here comes the rationalization to save my soul from eternal damnation, please God believe me!) was this: I held out an abnormal hope that each new installment couldn't be as bad as the one before; it was just not humanly possible. But it was possible as the gigantic Lucus the Hut shat out these cinematic monstrosities. Ok, I'm done. I'm sorry. My Court Ordered Psych evil should be completed any day now...
BATTLEFIELD EARTH (some stupid guy who sucks) -- John Travolta in his fattest role since PULP FICTION as an alien who does some stupid stuff, wears a stupid nose-thingy, and speaks some stupid alienesque language. Barry Pepper is stupid too. OK, I admit it, I never saw this movie in theatres but could not take my eyes from it one Sunday afternoon on the SCI-FI channel. It was like watching an autopsy of yourself in a mescaline fever-dream while re-enacting scenes from a Lynch film: I just could not stop. I guess I'm stupid too.
INDEPENDENCE DAY (A guy who should die horribly before he makes another film) -- Why in god's name did I have any hope that this movie had some tiny speck of potential to be at least an entertaining science fiction film? WTF was I thinking?
POPEYE (Robert Altman) -- WTF was he thinking?
HIGHLANDER 2; THE QUICKENING (who cares) -- The first film was a rather minor, pleasant, briefly entertaining piece of pseudo science fiction fare whose miniscule credibility was erased by the release of this crusty turd. For your own sake please do not watch this movie or even acknowledge its existence. Actually, I just made it up. It doesn't exist. The TV series was just a bad dream too.
I just noticed that four of my five worst films attempted to be science fiction which, not coincidently, is my favorite genre. I grew up reading Ray Bradbury, Harlan Ellison, Philip K. Dick, and Isaac Asimov so I am highly critical of books and films of the genre. The above listed stinkers lessen the credibility of legitimist films such as SOLARIS (Tarchovsky), 2001, BLADE RUNNER, and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL. The "new sci-fi" is all about action and muscle and not one iota about intelligence. For example, read Harlan Ellison's screenplay for I, ROBOT then see the Will Smith version. "nuff said!
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Alan Hochberg
Scientist and Cinephile
Ghost (1990) -- An implausible, overly sentimental insult to my Y chromosome.
Suspiria (1977) -- Netflix' smart little computer usually recommends me things that I like, but they were way off the mark with this pretentious gore-fest masquerading as art.
American Beauty (1999) -- What happens when a bunch of corporate types in suits and ties decide that the indy film market is really hot right now and they ought to make one.
Dogville (2004) -- A stagey waste of Nicole Kidman.
The Notebook (2004) -- Drivel. I kept waiting for it to get better,
and it didn't.
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Susan Norris
Premedia Specialist
(bottom five films)
The late 90s was not filmdom's best era...
Two Days in the Valley (1996) -- One of the few films I've actually walked out on. Pointless meandering through the lives of violent, disturbed people.
The Avengers (1998) -- Ralph Fiennes as Steed?? I love him, but he's not a swashbuckler. Again: no meaningful plot, horrible casting. A complete waste of film stock, time and talent.
Lost In Space (1998) -- Spent their entire budget on the main title FX, none left for script doctoring or lighting! Horribly miscast. Dark and gloomy sets. No tension, no excitement, no nothing.
Van Helsing (2004) -- An excuse for trying out new special effects. The only reason to even consider viewing it: Hugh Jackman.
StarWars, Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) -- Huge disappointment. Dreadful. Just dreadful. Sorry, George! Bad dialog, bad acting, no plot, and the beginning of the end of ILM's dominance. Need I mention Jar Jar Binks?
runners-up:
The Cell (2000)
Popeye (1980)
10 (1979)
Tarzan the Ape Man (1981)
Howard the Duck (1986)
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Kevyn Knox
Film Critic & Historian
Approximately 99% of Hollywood-made films from the past twenty years could make this list - easily. With Hollywood's PG13-mentality, where every film is cookie-cuttered out and presented to the common folk as some sort of drug-riddled nonsense, there doesn't seem like much hope is left alive for them. Entertainment industry pundants wonder why the box office is slumping so badly this year - perhaps people are finally catching on to the obvious fact that most mainstream movies suck big hairy ass! Nah, I'm probably give the public too much credit. So with all those possibilities to create a list of the worst films this week, as well as thousands of small budget teen/gore/sex romps, I have, instead, decided to go with films that were actually successful, either critically or financially - as well as maybe mentioning some of the most grandiose flops in cinematic history.
Forrest Gump (1994, Robert Zemeckis, USA) -- My God this was awful !! Best Picture !? Best Actor !? Best Fucking Director!? In the same year that Pulp Fiction came out !!!??? This repulsive molasses-dripping wreck of a film stands for everything wrong in Hollywood - and the country. Where "bad" people are punished (loss of their legs, death) and the "good" people, no matter how fucking stupid, are rewarded with long life, exciting adventures and a big box of fucking chocolates!!!!!
Jack (1997, Francis Ford Coppola, USA) -- Even moreso than the dreadful Godfather III - a film that viciously tarnishes the original films - was this...this...this, I can't even come up with a word for it. From the man who, in the nineteen seventies, created such brooding and glorious masterpieces as The Godfather and Apocalypse Now, and after slowly descending down further and further, with The Cotton Club, Peggy Sue Got Married, Tucker: a Man and his Dreams and the aforemented Godfather Three, came this Robin Williams not-even-good-enough-for-Lifetime movie of the week.
Dances With Wolves (1990, Kevin Costner, USA) -- This makes two Oscar winners on my list so far. The fact that Costner's laughable "western" beat out Goodfellas for Best Picture AND Director is yet another shameful moment in Oscar history. I do have a couple questions though. How does Costner's little cowboy hero manage to keep his hair styled and moussed out in the wilderness ? And how do the Native Americans manage to keep Mary McDonnell's hair in a layered haircut straight of the 1980's ? (note: I left off Costner's Waterworld and The Postman for the sake of all those with weak stomachs.
Ishtar (1987, Elaine May, USA) -- Take two talented actors (Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, as well as Isabelle Adjani, Charles Grodin and Carol Kane) and put them into a modernized Hope-Crosby road picture, and what have you got? Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Howard The Duck (1986, Willard Hyuck, USA) -- Okay, nobody could have ever possibly thought this was going to be any good (George Lucas was Executive Producer !?), but when Howard, the cigar-chomping talking duck from another planet gets into bed with Lea Thompson, and the feather start flying...I think Hollywood had sunk just about as low as they could go.
SPECIAL JURY AWARD (TIE):
♦ Can't Stop the Music AND Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band -- Somebody needs to be shot (twice).
SPECIAL LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD:
♦ The Farrelly Brothers for Dumb & Dumber, Kingpin, There's Something About Mary, Me Myself & Irene, Osmosis Jones, Shallow Hal, Stuck on You and Fever Pitch -- These are the guys that need shot (twice).
TEN MORE HORRIFIC DOO-DADS (half of which won the Oscar for Best Picture):
♦ Moonstruck
♦ The Shawshank Redemption
♦ The Color Purple
♦ E.T.
♦ Gandhi
♦ Braveheart
♦ Titanic
♦ Rain Man
♦ Apollo 13
♦ A Beautiful Mind
SPECIAL AWARD FOR THE LEAST AMOUNT OF CREATIVITY IN CARTOON MAKING:
♦ Shrek, Shrek 2, Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Ice Age, Monsters Inc., A Bug's Life, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles... -- ad infinitum. Pixar/Dreamworks make even Disney seem cool.
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*points are given as follows: for numbered lists, first place recieves 5 points, second place recieves 4, third place 3, fourth place 2 and fifth place gets 1 point; for unumbered lists, each film will recieve 3 points; total points are then tallied up and a comprehensive Top 5 list is created
After a two week hiatus to begin the Top 10 Project, we will be back for week #12
The Next Topic is:
Name The Top 5 Road Movies
e-mail me at
kevynknox@thecinematheque.com
with your picks for week #12,
no later than 6pm on Sunday, September 25, 2005.
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